Raising children in any culture is hard. In other places in this blog (here and there), I talk about the fact that a lot of my parenting has to do with being a French and Jewish mother raising a child in the U.S.
What is a French mother? Apart from the information you will find in 'Bringing up Bebe' and 'French Children Eat Everything', French parents tend to be a lot stricter when children are young and then relax considerably once the little ones reach their teenage years. In other words, it is the opposite of what the book series 'Baby Wise' describes as 'credit card parenting', which consists of looking the other way when children are young, but potentially dealing with bigger problems later: I would say that in France, issues, particularly when they relate to manners, are dealt with head on, early on, and with little compromise, which is why children in France tend to be better behaved in adult situations (restaurants, stores) than their American counterparts and why parental relationships with teenage children tend to be somewhat less fraught with conflict. For instance, Joey always knew that misbehaving in a restaurant was an absolute no-no, and he never doubted that a harsh punishment was coming if he did. Not taking him to fancy restaurants never crossed our mind because I don't like the idea of having him baby-sat during what I perceive is an important family and educational time: I wanted him to appreciate different foods (we never order from children's menus, even if they are available) and the whole experience of dining out. So nowadays, he needs relatively little in the way of distractions, although we do bring them along. Of course, there are many other considerable differences between the American and French culture when it comes to children and what good parenting is perceived to be, and I never fully grasped the magnitude of these differences until I had a child here. Behavior of parents in public is another example: In France, parents tend to be at their strictest in public, because this is what people around them define as good parenting. French people would disapprove if a misbehaving child were NOT tersely chastised. Actually, instead of looking the other way, they would probably take the matter into their own hands and while usually stopping short of physical punishment (although old ladies have been known to pull ears!), they would definitely correct the child verbally. This would be perceived as helpful to the parents. In the U.S. however, while unruly children do get stares, so do parents who try to correct them beyond redirection. Therefore, I had to alter my 'public' style here to fit in...
Another example of U.S.-France cultural divide is my aversion to letting (and seeing) young toddlers eat non-finger food with their hands. This is something I will never get used to, and find otherwise cute children with food on their face, hands, and even on the table completely unappealing. So we worked hard to teach Joey to use silverware (except for knives!), and before he could do it well, he was fed by an adult. I actually think that our insistence on this contributed to his amazing fine motor skills (he writes very well for his age and is also making steady progress with the violin). Also, I really don't like the constant hovering when children are playing... at least as long as no one gets hurt. Joey, since he prefers hanging out with older children, is not usually the dominant child, but this obsession about 'sharing' is over the top in my opinion. Of course, when he is with younger children, I always make sure he is kind and careful, but otherwise, I don't like to play referee and I sense that this too is a cultural thing. What else? In France, kids learn to play on their own, even for extended periods of time, but here, I feel like parents are expected to provide non-stop entertainment, and I feel it is not a good thing for either parent or child.
What about Jewish parenting? It is definitely a huge part of what I do, even though it stands is complete contradiction with the things I just talked about: there is an element of fear of separation in my parenting, which I cannot overcome. Perhaps it is because parents and children were so often separated during the Holocaust, but I have recurrent nightmares about Joey getting lost or being taken away. To this day, I have not gone on an overnight trip without my son, and I am not planning to for the foreseeable future. I also constantly plan, hover, worry about his food, education, health and safety but maybe so does every other mother, although I probably do it a smidgen more. While I am very strict with Joey (like a French mother would be), there is also a lot of physical and verbal expressions of affection, at home and in public, and I don't think that Joey ever doubts that he is the most important thing in my life.
The bottom line is that I am not entirely sure which aspect of my parenting comes from one place or another, and I suspect that many multicultural parents feel the same. I guess if I had to describe the way Joey is raised, I would say that he is equally 'Ferberized' and 'Fockerized'!
What is a French mother? Apart from the information you will find in 'Bringing up Bebe' and 'French Children Eat Everything', French parents tend to be a lot stricter when children are young and then relax considerably once the little ones reach their teenage years. In other words, it is the opposite of what the book series 'Baby Wise' describes as 'credit card parenting', which consists of looking the other way when children are young, but potentially dealing with bigger problems later: I would say that in France, issues, particularly when they relate to manners, are dealt with head on, early on, and with little compromise, which is why children in France tend to be better behaved in adult situations (restaurants, stores) than their American counterparts and why parental relationships with teenage children tend to be somewhat less fraught with conflict. For instance, Joey always knew that misbehaving in a restaurant was an absolute no-no, and he never doubted that a harsh punishment was coming if he did. Not taking him to fancy restaurants never crossed our mind because I don't like the idea of having him baby-sat during what I perceive is an important family and educational time: I wanted him to appreciate different foods (we never order from children's menus, even if they are available) and the whole experience of dining out. So nowadays, he needs relatively little in the way of distractions, although we do bring them along. Of course, there are many other considerable differences between the American and French culture when it comes to children and what good parenting is perceived to be, and I never fully grasped the magnitude of these differences until I had a child here. Behavior of parents in public is another example: In France, parents tend to be at their strictest in public, because this is what people around them define as good parenting. French people would disapprove if a misbehaving child were NOT tersely chastised. Actually, instead of looking the other way, they would probably take the matter into their own hands and while usually stopping short of physical punishment (although old ladies have been known to pull ears!), they would definitely correct the child verbally. This would be perceived as helpful to the parents. In the U.S. however, while unruly children do get stares, so do parents who try to correct them beyond redirection. Therefore, I had to alter my 'public' style here to fit in...
Another example of U.S.-France cultural divide is my aversion to letting (and seeing) young toddlers eat non-finger food with their hands. This is something I will never get used to, and find otherwise cute children with food on their face, hands, and even on the table completely unappealing. So we worked hard to teach Joey to use silverware (except for knives!), and before he could do it well, he was fed by an adult. I actually think that our insistence on this contributed to his amazing fine motor skills (he writes very well for his age and is also making steady progress with the violin). Also, I really don't like the constant hovering when children are playing... at least as long as no one gets hurt. Joey, since he prefers hanging out with older children, is not usually the dominant child, but this obsession about 'sharing' is over the top in my opinion. Of course, when he is with younger children, I always make sure he is kind and careful, but otherwise, I don't like to play referee and I sense that this too is a cultural thing. What else? In France, kids learn to play on their own, even for extended periods of time, but here, I feel like parents are expected to provide non-stop entertainment, and I feel it is not a good thing for either parent or child.
What about Jewish parenting? It is definitely a huge part of what I do, even though it stands is complete contradiction with the things I just talked about: there is an element of fear of separation in my parenting, which I cannot overcome. Perhaps it is because parents and children were so often separated during the Holocaust, but I have recurrent nightmares about Joey getting lost or being taken away. To this day, I have not gone on an overnight trip without my son, and I am not planning to for the foreseeable future. I also constantly plan, hover, worry about his food, education, health and safety but maybe so does every other mother, although I probably do it a smidgen more. While I am very strict with Joey (like a French mother would be), there is also a lot of physical and verbal expressions of affection, at home and in public, and I don't think that Joey ever doubts that he is the most important thing in my life.
The bottom line is that I am not entirely sure which aspect of my parenting comes from one place or another, and I suspect that many multicultural parents feel the same. I guess if I had to describe the way Joey is raised, I would say that he is equally 'Ferberized' and 'Fockerized'!
